Bush Reaches 8th Step, Decides War Was Wrong.


WASHINGTON - Despite claims that the President kicked his alcohol addiction without the aid of a 12 step program, beltway insiders are beginning to attribute recent presidential policy shifts to the practices of Alcoholics Anonymous. Bush yesterday began to make public announcements of those he had wronged.

"I want the American people to know, I've made mistakes. I've wronged Colin Powell asking him to say all those things to the UN. I wrong John McCain letting the world think he's crazy. I wronged John Kerry trying to assassinate his character. And most importantly I wronged the American people by leading this nation in a reckless, self-righteous and irresponsible manner." said Bush.

The statement shocked pundits who have noted that previously Bush had never admitted a mistake in his administration. The language and tone of Bush's "mea culpa" sparked speculation that he must have reached step eight of a 12 step program.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.


The President went further saying "I was wrong to take us into Iraq under false pretenses. The entire war was wrong." At that point Rumsfeld and Cheney ran up to the podium yelling "Threat Level Red. Threat Level Red. We have to get the president to a secure location." Secret Service then wisked the President away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

McCartney sues Paltrow over Apple.

by Ed Zambrello
HOLLYWOOD - The Beatles and Apple Corp. are back in Court again.
Less than a month after suing Steve Jobs and Apple Computer for their breach of contract with Apple iPod and Apple iTunes, Paul McCartney is back in court suing actress Gwyneth Paltrow over the naming of her baby, Apple. “All of a sudden, everybody is using the word “Apple” all the time. It’s as if the Beatles and Apple never existed” , McCartney Said.
The lawsuit accuses Paltrow of knowingly using the name Apple as a way to make money off of the Beatles. “She can’t name her baby Apple, Strawberry Fields, Yellow Submarine or even Nowhere Man. We own those. Why don’t people understand that?”, stated Macca. The other principle in the case, Ringo Starr, was quoted as saying, “I don’t really see the problem la la la …” Paltrow was quoted as saying “Whatever!”
Sir Paul, apparently fed up with the continuous misuse of all things Beatles, also filed a motion to personally buy every word ever used in a Beatles song. If this is allowed, McCartney will own “I”, “she”, “the” and 286 other everyday words.
When asked about the current lawsuit, Beatle Producer George Martin said, “When we recorded “Day Tripper”, we used a 4 track recorder and double tracked the vocals.” No one was quite sure what the hell he was talking about.

The Lessons of Abu Ghraib

by William Satire
WASHINGTON - Thanks to the investigations into the wrong doings at Abu Ghraib prison, dozens of Americans have learned the gramatically correct plural form of court-martial. Fortunately it is rare that we hear of multiple cases of military jurisprudence and have need of the plural. Court-martial is no simple noun like "job" to which an "s" is added to form the plural, as in "Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz ought to lose their jobs over this." Rather court is the noun and becomes the plural courts-martial rather than the more likely but incorrect usage court-martials. With that cleared up various attorneys general can now investiagte beyond the ranks of sergeants-major and other go-betweens to higher-ups such as secretaries of defense and chiefs of staff, perhaps even to commanders-in-chief.

 

 

 

 

 
posted 5/27/04