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One in Four Muppets HIV Positive
SESAME STREET- According to a press release from the Children's
Television Workshop, a muppet character is now known to be
HIV positive. Based on this photo that brings the count of
HIV positive muppets to one in four.
In the year 2001 zero cases of muppet HIV or AIDS were reported.
In less than eight months that number skyrocketted. "This
is like a 1000% percent increase" said Ernie. Big Bird
suggested that all muppets count three of their friends and
if they're all healthy it's probably you. The Count immediately
demonstrated this technique: "One, one muppet without
HIV, two, two muppets without HIV, three..."
The CTW would not comment on the possible cause of the dramatic
increase in the infection in the muppet population.
Positive
Puppets ?
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Jerry Fallwell "Okay with it".
BIBLE BELT- Ironically, one of the few morality mavens
coming out in support of the HIV-positive Muppet was
none other than the Reverend Jerry Falwell. Falwell,
who notoriously tried to out Teletubby Tinky Winky as
more of a twinkly wanker, says he believes the new Muppet
will have a positive effect, as long as she is eventually
shown burning in hell for her horrible unnatural sinful
ways.
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Henson Puppeteers Concerned About
"Safe Puppetry"
HOLLYWOOD - The men and women who spend their days
making Elmo and Cookie Monster come to life are voicing
concerns about their working conditions. Specifically
the health risks. With the disclosure of an HIV positive
puppet in the cast, the muppet manipulators have cause
for concern.
"Would you stick your hand up inside a puppet
you knew was HIV positive? Talk about intimate contact."
said Will Keegan a Henson puppeteer.
The Henson company has taken proactive steps to ensure
the safety of their workers. Rubber gloves will be issued
to all puppeteers and an HIV/AIDS education clinic will
be offered.
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BADVERTISMENT
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BADVERTISMENT
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Priest Sues Altar Boys for Seducing Him
BOSTON - The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys might be even
more dangerous than we suspected. And a lot less innocent.
Boston area priest Father Alex McMoaney is turning the tables
in the recent priest pedophile scandal claiming the altar
boy made him do it.
McMoaney is currently on trial for sexually molesting two
twelve year old boys who served as altar boys in his parish.
The cleric announced today he would counter sue the boys.
In recent court procedings Father McMoaney rolled his eyes
through most of the testimony against him. In his defense
he had this to say about all the altar boys, "What the hell
was I supposed to think -- they're lighting candles, and burning
incense, handing me glasses of wine, sticking their tongues
out to me -- oh yeah, they loved it when I'd feed them...
and all the while they're dressed in satin robes? I mean really,
talk about mixed messages!" Proceedings will continue tomorrow.
by Susie McDonnell
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