If you really want to hear about it the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I came from and all that David Copperfield crap. Actually old David Copperfield is in the public domain, they could go ahead and make any movie they want out of that. My brother's in Hollywood. He tells me stuff like what's in the public domain or what's in turn around or development. He gets a real bang out of it.

Anyways, people call me Igby but that's just because they couldn't get the rights to my real name Holden Caulfield. The rights, that's what you need in Hollywood to turn a book into a movie. But old J.D. Salinger he hasn't been heard from much since he wrote about me and he wouldn't ever give the movie rights to anybody. So they pretend my name is Igby and hope nobody notices. Like how in the book I have a brother D.B. -- the one in Hollywood -- and in the movie I have a father D.H. Or how in the book my pal old Luce goes to Columbia but in the movie it's my brother. They're all a bunch of phonies anyway.

I've been kicked out of just about every private school on the East Coast. Pencey Prep, Whooton, and that military school. My mother gets very hysterical. She's not too bad after she gets something digested. She's running out of academies she can send me to. So I shouldn'ta been suprised when she enrolled me in Hogswarts.

Anyway, now all these Hogswarts phonies think they can work their magic on me. That kills me. This old vomity-looking place? I won't last past the mid-terms. This one poor bastard, Harry Potter, I'm not too crazy about him to tell you the truth. That old Hermoine's okay though. I think she likes me. The trouble is I get to feeling sorry for her. I mean girls can be so dumb and all. After you neck 'em for a while you can really watch them lose their minds. But I can be a pretty sexy bastard sometimes.

posted 6/4/04 ©DeFabio