Not much is known about Wintergreen. Aside from the fact that he has not played organized basketball since the fifth grade, aside from the fact that he is at an age when most players are beginning to think about hanging it up, Monday's workout against his 59 year old uncle revealed the following weaknesses in Wintergreen's game:

• An almost complete lack of ability to dribble with his left hand.
• A tendency to hit the bottom of the rim on layups.
• A tendency to rely heavily on a wildly inaccurate skyhook.
• Soft on defense - Wintergreen allowed his uncle to drive past him no less than three times before resorting to flagrant tripping fouls.
• Wintergreen complained of dizziness and nauseau after attempting a reverse layup.

Outlook: A dark horse at best. It's difficult to imagine any self-respecting N.B.A. General Manager giving so much as a second thought to drafting Wintergreen, unless the Lakers use their second pick to take him just for yucks.

Wintergreen Declares for NBA Draft

LAKE RONKONKOMA, NY - In a surprise move early Monday morning, 34 year old Keith Wintergreen declared himself eligible for the N.B.A. draft. Wintergreen, recently fired from his job as Assistant Produce Manager at King Kullen Supermarket,made his announcement at a sparsely attended news conference Monday morning in the living room of his parents' home. "I first got the idea a few weeks ago when I was at the Buckano Bean," Wintergreen told reporters, referring to a local pub. "They've got one of those basketball games where you get like a minute to shoot at these moving hoops? I totally creamed my friend Angelo, and then I almost beat this other guy who played Division III ball at Geneseo, so I figured, why not me?"

Wintergreen went on to explain that since NBA hoops do not move back and forth, scoring should be "that much easier." Wintergreen last played organized basketball in 1978, when he was a 5'1" strong forward for Our Lady of Sorrows CYO squad. His former coach Alvin Marino remembered Wintergreen as "a polite kid who knew his place and didn't mouth off." At least two former teammates recall Wintergreen not for his basketball skills, but for an unfortunate warm-ups wetting incident.

While Wintergreen has yet to attract the attention of a single NBA General Manager, he remains optimistic about his chances. "I'm not going into this thing with unrealistic ideas," Wintergreen told ESPN while pausing for a cigarette after a brief jog, "I know I'm a mid to high first round pick at best. But I'm certainly not going to turn my nose up at a team that takes me in the second round. I don't need bajillions (sic) of dollars a year to play. I'll play for one million." One person not suprised by the announcement is Wintergreen's father, Floyd. "I told him I'd get him a job unloading pallets at Watson Brothers, then he pulls this crap. The kid'll do anything to avoid getting a real job."